we never know

hello! been a while since the last time i posted. :D

well.... it's just about 3-4 months, but things have REALLY changed down here. :)
it's ridiculously true that time can really change everything. even when we least expect it, things just automatically change by the seconds, minutes, hours and days we're going through. sometimes we just don't appreciate where God has brought us. and that's when a thing called "regret" comes. we regret what we did, and that hurts badly as we know it. it is the worst pain EVER and what hurts the most is when you realized that you can't change a thing about it. you get disappointed, to no one but yourself.

have you ever questioned to yourself, "What have i done?"? i do, ALL THE TIME. and there always comes a night when all you do is crying over something you extremely want, but at the same time you're feeling so sure that thing is not going to happen. and then the regret comes..... and the tears stream.... and then you go to sleep... and the next morning you feel stupid. i do, ALL THE TIME

now that things are not the way that i wanted them to be, i guess all i have to do is to just go through it with a smile (whether it's fake or not) on my face, telling myself that i can do it (whether i can or can't). i mean, you know.... there always come times when you see the one you love, love someone else... and inside, you're dying. and you don't even know how he feels about you. people changed by time. and sometimes they're being so weird.... like, today he suddenly being so nice to you, and the next day he suddenly being so mean that you don't even understand why he's doing it. so weird. oh why? we just never know.

"sometimes it's better to lock up your feelings deep inside and become cool, rather than being a puppet of your own emotion and appear as an emotional fool." SO TRUE. i never know how he feels to me. i never know how much lies he has been giving to me all this time. i never know what he feels about hurting me. i never know how much memories of us that left in his brain. but all i wanna do right now is pray for him to be the best he can be, because he promised(if he remember)

we always think that life's unfair, ALWAYS. like when i have done everything i could ever do to him, gave more than what i had to give to him, cried a million tears.... but he still doesn't even realize/appreciate what i did, and he left just like that. he moved the fuck on, and i'm still here without even move a step forward. and all i wanna do is to ask him, how did he do it to me? but i know there will be no answer.

it was tough, you know to accept things you don't want to accept. but that's the thing about life, you don't always get what you want. so i guess that's the end of that "regretful" story, it's time to think about someone who will appreciates more, and let go. don't regret too much, okay? :)

“Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” 

oiya one more thing! it's better for you to just be alone knowing that you'll never make it with someone for now, than be with someone but still love someone else you had in the past. haha xoxo

Another random post

Now i am painfully aware that you are gone, and no longer there. But at the same time i feel happy too though it’s so hard to let you go. But you made up your mind and you went away as things started to not feel right. I kinda realized that it's pointless to wish for you to stay and change all the things the way they used to be, because they said that, “at the end of the tunnel there is no more light”.

I was there for you through it all. With your goods and your bads I was there to stay. Now i'm just walking around while everything moves so fast. I have to run. I have to go. So i wiped my tears and begin a new, new me, new life, and new happiness without you. Cause i have to :) and i know you know it too. Often I don’t know what to say or do, so many times, i have cried because i over-thought about our times together. Feels like emptiness and sorrow is now a part of me since i have to accept the fact that i have to go, and let you go.

Never did i ever think i would fall as hard as i did. Never did i ever think i would feel these feelings of worry, love, and fear. Never did i ever think i'd feel pain this much and my world filled with sorrow, trouble, and suffer. Never did i ever think our relationship would feel this wrong, like a high singer in a low-pitched music. Never did i ever, think i would cry so hard that i wished i could just die. Never did i ever expect to throw away those hundreds of letters, movie tickets and stuffs i vowed to save. Never did i ever think you'd be so cruel, i guess i was really dumb to trust you with all of this…..

But then i realized i need to think about my future and put this in my past. The love and time i have shared with you have all been through without regret.  Our memories continue to live in my heart as i wish you well with your brand-new life without me. I know it hurts, and it hurts me too. It hurts so deep that i wish i’d never have to meet you so i won’t feel this kind of pain.

Maaf ya selama ini banyak omong banget soal lutut, wkwk aku cuma takut kamu kenapa napa. Maaf selama ini gapernah mau nyerah dan nunggu kamu lama banget sampe akhirnya kayak gini. Maaf selama ini kepoan, tapi kepoan aku membuahkan hasil kok skrg. Maaf ya aku kayak ninja apa apa serba tau. Tapi selama ini setelah yang aku tau, aku ngerasain sakit tapi aku tetep sayang kamu kok, percaya deh sama aku. :)

Like what they said, “Letting go is easier when we have someone to rebuild with us one brick at a time.” So i have to go. Kali ini harus bener bener, wkwk karena selama ini selalu kemakan omongan sendiri. Intinya it was all because of love. One day when i have kids, i promise i’ll tell them stories about you. How we met and how we got through everything. Haha :) xoxo

I don't even know what the title is. Pretty random

As i sit in my corner and think about your lies, i have nothing else to do but break down and cry. you knew it would end, you knew it would die, you knew one day we’d have to say goodbye. You told me you loved me, you told me you cared. The moments we shared replay in my head, along with all the sweet lies. You thought it was a game, you thought you’d win, but in the end you felt nothing. Something about you helped me see, that without love i’m free. Free from pain, free from lies, free from having tear filled eyes. And without your love i finally see, all the horrid things you’ve become. a monster. or maybe worse.

Not once did i expect this to happen. never in my wildest dream that i’ve fallen to you, to a guy like you. It must be your sweetness that melt my heart or your sweet smile that could started it all. Whatever the reason for me to feel this way, one thing i know, this strange feeling grows stronger everyday, everyhour, every minute, every second. All this time i’ve been praying for the old you to come back. but then reality broke me into pieces, it wounded me so badly. It punched me in the face how everything is so different now. You broke my heart in two and took me like a bet. you really thought it was a game don't you?

Do you know that no one has ever hurt me as much as you did? I believe all those bullshits and i still repeat the things you said to me. We always said forever, we would take it to the end and never give it up. But what is the truth now? I feel like everything’s so unfair. I showed you how much i care, and i know you know. That’s why i can’t even understand why you have to hurt me as bad as you did. I really wanna ask you, but i know you won’t answer so i guess i’ll just be forever wondering what i meant to you…. 

It sucks to think you could be so happy without me. Sometimes i wonder how you do it. How can you sit back and watch yourself hurt someone so bad and not feel any guilt. How can you tell me that you love me like you really meant it when all you’ve made were just some lies? my friends always said that you're not worth the pain. I never knew it would be like this, or you can say, i never knew THEY WERE RIGHT. This bitter reality,  it cut so deep into me and i guess it hurt you too. I gave you all i had, i tried to make it last. but now look at all we have. Look at what I HAVE? It’s so true that it’s a big no to consider someone as your everything. Cause i’ve been through it all and all that left was hurt. And pain. And memories. 

Formerly, we always loved being together. We always miss each other, and when we're going to meet we're so excited about it....... And now everything's so different. And i know it’s true that we’re still together but i feel like we aren’t. I feel like you’re not even the person you were. It’s like i’m with the different person. And i can honestly tell that i miss you so much, all i wanna do is to tell you how much i love you (after all the lies) and hug you so tight. I remember how you love hugs so much, haha. Okay forget it ......-_- jadi flashback wkwkkwkwkwkwkwkwk oke stop.

One thing to tell you, it's extremely sucks to listen to love songs and always reminded me of you. kadang gue suka mikir apa gue di pelet ya sama lo? i always think of you and i always wonder if you do it too. but i doubt it. because to see all the lies....... it hurts so deep like a knife..... and it surely tells me not to hope too much from you.

The big question is, what did i do to deserve all this pain? Sad how i knew that all we had were just some lies, but i’m starting to forget you by reminding myself how you lied though. I have to move on, I really have to. I’m so tired. That’s all I can describe about what i feel now. To lose you was worth it, although i wasn't sure, it seemed to make me happy. For you, thank you for ever loving me. or if you never did, thank you for pretending. i was happy for a while. Aku sayang kamuuuu. :) 

Thoughts of the broken-hearted one

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to tell you mostly. I hate that I'm so afraid of everything. I hate that you’re the one thing I want the most but can't have. I hate that you let me go before I even got to say goodbye. I wish that you would come back to me. I wish I were strong enough to say no to you. I wish I could believe my own lies I use to cover up the pain you left. I need to move on says my head. I need to hold on says my heart. I need to decide says my mind. I envy the way this hasn’t hurt you at all. I envy the fact you don’t understand what this feels like at all. I want to hurt you. I want to be with you. I want this nightmare to be over. I wish I could make things like they were, like they used to be. I wish I could change time. I wish I could change you. I wish I could have hurt you before you hurt me. I wish I would have given you the letter when I wanted. I need you out of my thoughts. I need you out of my heart. I need to start doing things for me. I hate that you used me. I hate that I gave you something I can never have back. I hate that I wasted it with you. I'm tired of hoping aimlessly for you. I'm tired of wanting something I can't have. I'm tired of hurting me for things that aren’t my fault. I'm sorry I was never good enough. I'm sorry I defended you when everyone else was right. I'm sorry I couldn’t make you happy.

Funny though how you never once said sorry for hurting me, for breaking me, for not loving me.

Buatan Elia digabung buatan Shafa dan sedikit inspirasi dari Nindy. :)

hidupku dulu tak sesempurna yang kau bayangkan

semenjak kehadirannya, hidupku bertambah senyum

tak kubayangkan, ternyata itu hanya sekejap mata

bagaikan meteor jatuh yang kulihat di malam hari

kurasakan kebahagiaan yang dibawakan kepadaku

ternyata banyak kesiksaan di dalamnya

banyak rasa sakit yang tak pernah ku fikir akan ku dapat dengannya

dari penyesalan, sampai kedamaian

tapi itu semua bukanlah penghalang dari hubungan

kurindukan masa-masa yang pernah dia bawa

bukan masa dimana dia membawa penyesalan

tapi masa dimana dia membawa ku kedalam kebahagiaan

aku tidak tahu mengapa itu semua terjadi

ternyata, dia memberikan ku kesakitan yang pernah dia lakukan

ya, dilakukan kepada wanita yang pernah bersamanya

tapi, itu tidak membuat ku menjadi kesakitan

karena ku berfikir bahwa aku adalah obat kesakitannya

tapi ternyata, semakin lama obat yang kuberikan tidak terasa

obat itu habis sebagaimana pengalahan ku habis

pengalahan terhadap keegoisan yang dia punya

aku tau, yang dia punya hanyalah kekuasaan

kekuasaan dimana semua tergantung apa yang dia mau

disitulah kesabaran ku diuji

semua bagaikan sepeda yang tidak butuh bensin

iya, dia tidak butuh kehadiranku saat dia membutuhkan

dia akan mencari rantai rantai ditempat lain

cinta yang menjadikanku bagaikan rantai rapuh

yang mau dipakai dan dirusak sebagaimana dia menginginkannya

ya memang itu khayalanku, khayalan kebahagiaan

tak pernah ku fikir, khayalan kesepianku terjadi

setiap malam kusandarkan pipiku didepan jendela

kutunggu bunyi singkat yang sering kudengar saat masa masa indah itu

tak pernah ku bayangkan hal malam itu terjadi

aku hanya pasrah, dan setiap detik semua tulisanku masih tidak bertuliskan "r" disampingnya

apakah itu dinamakan kesepian? menurutku tidak,

karena itu hanya segelintir kesakitan yang dia berikan kepada ku

kusadar semua itu hanya penghalang kebahagiaan yang dia berikan kepada ku

ku yakin, dia akan memberikan kebahagiaan yang aku inginkan

mungkin tidak sekarang, ataupun nanti

mungkin aku yang salah, mungkin kebahagiaan ku akan datang secara lambat

tapi itu tidak membuat aku lupa, bahwa

kebahagiaan ku ada saat aku bersamanya.

satu pertanyaan untuk mu, apa ini cinta?

kata mereka indah, tapi aslinya menyakitkan. menyiksa

tak mengerti harus tetap berusaha, pasrah, atau menyerah

semua terasa selalu salah

lelah, namun tak tau harus berbuat apa

aku tak mau menyerah, aku cinta dia

tapi apa yang harus aku lakukan jika semuanya memang harus seperti ini?

jika ku tunggu, aku bagaikan menunggu kapal pesiar di bandara

tak akan datang. tak mungkin datang

karena memang bukan itu tempat yang tepat

jika ku coba lupakan, aku bagaikan mencoba menghapus ribuan coretan spidol permanen 

tak akan hilang. tak mungkin hilang

orang yang selalu membuatku rasakan indahnya kebahagiaan,

ternyata orang yang sama dengan yang membuatku rasakan pahitnya penyesalan

orang itu selalu bilang sayang, orang itu selalu bilang cinta

tetapi sekarang berbeda, orang itu mempermainkanku layaknya boneka

ya, seperti tak punya hati

dimana kata kata manis itu? aku tak percaya semuanya lenyap begitu saja

bagaikan sedang mencari nyamuk, tiba tiba hilang

di mana belas kasih itu?

bersamamu seperti mimpi semu, hanya bisa merasakan abadinya duka dan luka

kau bilang kita pasti bisa, bisa saling mencintai

bersama sampai tua, bersatu hingga mati

kau bilang perbanyak doa dan harapan, impian kita pasti terwujud

namun apa yang terjadi kini?

hanya satu keinginan, cinta kita jangan sampai berubah

hati kita tetap menyatu, menciptakan bahagia bersama

semua tak semudah yang kita duga

bagaimana harus ku hentikan air mata?

impian kita hanya sebatas dalam mimpi

apakah ini akhir dari kisah cinta kita?

aku tak mau berakhir, walaupun tak mungkin

biarkan kita jalani semuanya seperti ini

biarkan takdir yang menjawab akhir cinta kita